An Incomplete List of the Minor Indignities of Air Travel

When I fly somewhere and I get to where I’m going, sometimes someone will ask, “How was your flight?” And I just say, “Ah, it was fine,” because it usually is. But I was on a flight a couple weeks ago, and I started thinking, “You know, this whole experience went pretty well, yet again. But it could have been even better.” So I started making a list of some things that in a perfect world, might have gone a tad more smoothly during my multi-leg trip.

• Airport auto-flush toilet flushed when I was still seated • Repeated failure to trigger automatic faucet in restroom • Paper towel ripped into pieces when I pulled on it • Gate was far from Jamba Juice • USB charger in seats at gate didn’t charge phone quickly • Boarding protocol seemed to indicate that I am not special, or at least only the fifth most-special group of people boarding this flight • Electronic boarding pass wouldn’t scan right away • Said “Good, how are you?” in reply to flight attendant who said, “Hello” • No one in first class offered to give me their seat in exchange for my non-first class seat • No one in first class acknowledged my existence as a fellow traveler of the air with so much as a simple wave, head nod, or smile and hearty handshake as I shuffled past • Person in seat next to me did not seem to think my job sounded interesting • Comfort plus was not as comfortable as I’d fantasized • Someone farted • Guy manspreaded into my leg space bubble • Only three of eight Mission Impossible movies available on in-flight entertainment • Plane wing blocked part of view • Clouds outside window not interestingly shaped • Pilots did not invite me to help them fly plane or even hang out in cabin at all • Plane did not have friendly, fluffy golden retriever patrolling the aisles • Loyalty to airline rewarded with “miles” instead of a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on during hard times, or actual friendship • No one complimented my new shoes • Removing bag from overhead bin required multiple attempts spanning several seconds • Human flight achieved in 1903, yet we still await the creation of affordable and widely available jetpacks • No smartly dressed driver waiting with a placard bearing my name in a tasteful font when I arrived at my destination